Being in an
emotionally abusive relationship for the past 13 years that took away my
confidence, pride and self-esteem, it was easier to play a blame game for every
little problem I faced for the rest of my life. I had a choice to be a victim
or a victor. I chose the difficult path but people around me are oblivious to
what I wrestle with ‘to survive’ every day.
The most
common notion in our indigenous society for abusive relationships is either
live with it or end it. People fail to understand the damage it causes in both
the choices sufferer make. Getting out of a relationship apparently seems a
relief but it’s never comprehensible for a common population that when the soul
is abused, the wounds reach to the innermost part of our self. The invisible
wounds are deep rooted in fear, doubts, blame and guilt that snatch away the
innocence, the simplicity, and the ability to love again. The healing takes
time and in some cases, the whole life.
I walked
away from the emotionally abusive relationship with the hope to regain my
self-respect and pride but my wounds still bleed with every little encounter I
have with people when expectations are not met or the heart is broken. It is a
real struggle to let go things with a bruised soul. Sometimes it’s the words, ‘the
phrases’, the gestures that drag you back to the bitter past and it’s so natural
to be deeply hurt while encountering these situations. For people who are
unaware of your inner fights, the situation might not be a big deal but what
triggers a victim of emotional abuse is still a least concerned issue for most
people. Those who have suffered, it seems difficult to create enough room for the
soul to breath, to constantly set boundaries and give chance to positivity.
Letting go is an attribute of healthy people, I still believe!
Not everyone
can understand that gaining a whole version of my self is burdensome. The inside
battles I fight every time are invisible, lying under the smile, under self-control,
and often in the calmness yet not easily detectable; the battle to stay
optimistic in life, to see good in people and avoid suspecting their empathy.
It is often a torture to make new friends since trusting people leaves infinite
questions. Self-doubt is inevitable. Little sacrifices in new relationships lead
to series of doubts where the question “Am I making a mistake again?” still
stays at the top. Over the course of time, the practice of keeping quiet just
to maintain the peace, I ended up losing my self-confidence. And now, it becomes
difficult for me to choose what situations to combat and what to ignore even in
a healthy relationship.
As I
mentioned, I chose the difficult path, I am striving hard to emerge on the
other side of a ravaged soul. Since I live in the world where social
interaction is inevitable, I fail to explain my journey of healing in most
situations. Intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are inescapable; I often urge to
seek for emotional help even though it’s not easy to find. Eventually, people
lack the clarity to understand that most of my reactions are driven by subconscious
which is dominated by the traumatic experiences I had. Therefore, in most
instances, it is not ‘the real me’ that behaves in a certain manner.
I have a constant
focus to heal by preserving the love I have for special people around me. Special
people, who have the ability to respect my solitude, capable of understanding
my silence, and able to sense the sudden flow of my intense emotions in various
encounters. Apart from them, it is not imperative to have people’s validation
on the range of experiences I am continuously having during the journey of
healing.
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