22nd February, 2019 marks the 1st anniversary of my daughter’s passing to cancer. Life has been rough the whole year. It wasn’t the only grief that I had to bear but several other challenges waited to break me down. Somehow I survived. But ironically, does survival has any meaning when you are no longer the same person? The grief has changed me. I am new and different. I am strong, however, weakness lies on the other side of this strength that a mother hides from the rest of the world. Although I have overcome the trauma of losing Maryam, the wounds are still deeper and undefinable.
The role of a mother is difficult. I bleed inside with the grief of a lost child but positivity has to stay parallel for the other children who perceive me as a role model. I am one strong being wrapped with joy, sorrow, happiness and pain together in one. I witness the extreme sides of emotions every day. I switch myself between happiness and pain; putting smiles on my children’s face every day and missing the one deep in my heart are two extremes that I hold every moment. I maintain the smile, I laugh, but the struggle to survive weakens me sometimes.
The journey of grief has been long and difficult. I did not avoid it rather I am emerging on the other side of it. It is a life-changing experience where I have to rediscover my strengths, building a new life for myself and the other two kids while missing Maryam was the real challenge. We built a new world for us without you Maryam. This world has life, laughter, and happiness but parallelly it aches with your memories and is incomplete without your presence.
My eyes are empty, knowing that they will never see my child again. My hands are aching; they will never feel the weight of my child again. Maryam, you won’t light up my face with your innocent smile and my heart will remain burdened since I will never be able to embrace you for the rest of my life. Maryam, the moment you were gone, I was thrown in the deep dark void that offered me nothing but loneliness and hollowness. The flashbacks of your past memories will continue to bring me the pain that’s indescribable. My life was based on the foundation of a trio You, Sadia and Abdullah made. I can never live it to the fullest. A space of emptiness that you have created is going to be the part of my soul. Until we meet again Maryam, you will be missed.
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