The struggle of finding hope in the darkness

Being in an emotionally abusive relationship for the past 13 years that took away my confidence, pride and self-esteem, it was easier to play a blame game for every little problem I faced for the rest of my life. I had a choice to be a victim or a victor. I chose the difficult path but people around me are oblivious to what I wrestle with ‘to survive’ every day.

The most common notion in our indigenous society for abusive relationships is either live with it or end it. People fail to understand the damage it causes in both the choices sufferer make. Getting out of a relationship apparently seems a relief but it’s never comprehensible for a common population that when the soul is abused, the wounds reach to the innermost part of our self. The invisible wounds are deep rooted in fear, doubts, blame and guilt that snatch away the innocence, the simplicity, and the ability to love again. The healing takes time and in some cases, the whole life.

I walked away from the emotionally abusive relationship with the hope to regain my self-respect and pride but my wounds still bleed with every little encounter I have with people when expectations are not met or the heart is broken. It is a real struggle to let go things with a bruised soul. Sometimes it’s the words, ‘the phrases’, the gestures that drag you back to the bitter past and it’s so natural to be deeply hurt while encountering these situations. For people who are unaware of your inner fights, the situation might not be a big deal but what triggers a victim of emotional abuse is still a least concerned issue for most people. Those who have suffered, it seems difficult to create enough room for the soul to breath, to constantly set boundaries and give chance to positivity. Letting go is an attribute of healthy people, I still believe!

Not everyone can understand that gaining a whole version of my self is burdensome. The inside battles I fight every time are invisible, lying under the smile, under self-control, and often in the calmness yet not easily detectable; the battle to stay optimistic in life, to see good in people and avoid suspecting their empathy. It is often a torture to make new friends since trusting people leaves infinite questions. Self-doubt is inevitable. Little sacrifices in new relationships lead to series of doubts where the question “Am I making a mistake again?” still stays at the top. Over the course of time, the practice of keeping quiet just to maintain the peace, I ended up losing my self-confidence. And now, it becomes difficult for me to choose what situations to combat and what to ignore even in a healthy relationship.

As I mentioned, I chose the difficult path, I am striving hard to emerge on the other side of a ravaged soul. Since I live in the world where social interaction is inevitable, I fail to explain my journey of healing in most situations. Intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are inescapable; I often urge to seek for emotional help even though it’s not easy to find. Eventually, people lack the clarity to understand that most of my reactions are driven by subconscious which is dominated by the traumatic experiences I had. Therefore, in most instances, it is not ‘the real me’ that behaves in a certain manner.

I have a constant focus to heal by preserving the love I have for special people around me. Special people, who have the ability to respect my solitude, capable of understanding my silence, and able to sense the sudden flow of my intense emotions in various encounters. Apart from them, it is not imperative to have people’s validation on the range of experiences I am continuously having during the journey of healing.

It's been one year Dear Maryam

22nd February, 2019 marks the 1st anniversary of my daughter’s passing to cancer. Life has been rough the whole year. It wasn’t the only grief that I had to bear but several other challenges waited to break me down. Somehow I survived. But ironically, does survival has any meaning when you are no longer the same person? The grief has changed me. I am new and different. I am strong, however, weakness lies on the other side of this strength that a mother hides from the rest of the world. Although I have overcome the trauma of losing Maryam, the wounds are still deeper and undefinable.

The role of a mother is difficult. I bleed inside with the grief of a lost child but positivity has to stay parallel for the other children who perceive me as a role model. I am one strong being wrapped with joy, sorrow, happiness and pain together in one. I witness the extreme sides of emotions every day. I switch myself between happiness and pain; putting smiles on my children’s face every day and missing the one deep in my heart are two extremes that I hold every moment. I maintain the smile, I laugh, but the struggle to survive weakens me sometimes.

The journey of grief has been long and difficult. I did not avoid it rather I am emerging on the other side of it. It is a life-changing experience where I have to rediscover my strengths, building a new life for myself and the other two kids while missing Maryam was the real challenge. We built a new world for us without you Maryam. This world has life, laughter, and happiness but parallelly it aches with your memories and is incomplete without your presence.

My eyes are empty, knowing that they will never see my child again. My hands are aching; they will never feel the weight of my child again. Maryam, you won’t light up my face with your innocent smile and my heart will remain burdened since I will never be able to embrace you for the rest of my life. Maryam, the moment you were gone, I was thrown in the deep dark void that offered me nothing but loneliness and hollowness. The flashbacks of your past memories will continue to bring me the pain that’s indescribable. My life was based on the foundation of a trio You, Sadia and Abdullah made. I can never live it to the fullest. A space of emptiness that you have created is going to be the part of my soul. Until we meet again Maryam, you will be missed.

On Mother's Day

میں ایک ماں ھوں، آج کا دن میرے لۓ ھے

ویسے تو ھر دن ماں کا دن ھوتا ھے لیکن آج کا دن صرف ان ماوں کے نام نھیں ھونا چاھۓ جو مائیں تکلیف اٹھا کر اولاد کو اس دنیا میں لائی ھیں

یا اولاد کو پروان چڑھانے کے لئے ہر قربانی دی ھے

بلکہ ان ماوں کے نام بھی ھونا چاھۓ جنھوں نے اس سے کئی زیادہ تکلیف اٹھا کر اپنی اولاد کو اس دنیا سے رخصت کیا ھے

اور صبر کیا ھے اس بات پر کہ ان کے جگر کے ٹکڑے مٹی تلے ھمیشہ کے لئے سو گئے

 جو ماں اپنی اولاد کھوتی ھے اس کے لۓ ساری زندگی کا امتحان ھوتا ھے

امتحان ان یادوں کا جو خوبصورت بھی ھیں اور تکلیف دہ بھی

میں تب بھی روئی جب مریم کو اس دنیا میں آنے کے بعد سفید کپڑے میں لپیٹ کر میری گود میں پہلی بار دیا گیا

میں تب بھی روئی جب اس کو سفید کپڑے میں لپیٹ کر میری گود سےھمیشہ کے لئے بہت دور لے جایا گیا

ماں کے لۓ اولاد کی آزمائش بہت سخت ھے

جس عمر مے بچے بہن بھائوں سے لڑتے ھیں

وہ جان لیوا بیماری سے لڑ رھی تھی

جس عمر میں بچے فرمائش کرتے ھیں

وہ جلدی ٹھیک ھونے کی دعا کرتی تھی

جس عمر میں بچے کھلونے ٹوٹنے سے روتے ھیں

وہ بیماری کی تکلیف سے روتی تھی

ماں کے لئے اسکی پیدائش سے لے کر اسکے دنیا سے جانے کا سفر بھت لمبا اور کٹھن تھا

ماں کو یاد ھے وہ کہتی تھی

ماں، میں آپ کے بغیر نھیں رہ سکتی

آج مجھ سے بہت دور اکیلی ھے

ماں، مجھے اندھیرے سے ڈر لگتا ھے

آج قبر کے اندھیرے میں اکیلے سوئی ھے

دنیا کے لئے تو وہ چلی گئی

پر ماں کے دل میں اولاد ھمیشہ زندہ رھے گی

کیونکہ ماں کبھی نھیں بھولتی

ماں کبھی نھیں بھولتی------

My life is too short for…….

My life is too short for…….

When people judged me for what I wear, I showed them that exhibiting moral excellence is more important to cultivate positive social reputation than just ‘appearance’.

When people called me an introvert, I promised myself not to put my attributes on display to entertain others. I regained energy from solitude, without confronting or explaining my painful journey to anyone.

While they called me egocentric, they were ignorant of my battles. My fight for self-respect and pride.

They called me a rebel. They disapproved since I rejected conformity. I proudly asserted my beliefs, and most importantly, my individuality.

While they were calling me vulnerable, I was strengthening my perseverance despite all the difficulties and discouragements.

They said you can’t stand tall. I proved them wrong with my unconditional commitment to the successful achievement of goals. Against all odds, I won.

To all the negative people,

My life is too short for all the negativity………….!