Quiet days
And quiet nights
Loneliness
And lingering thoughts
Missing you
Without tears
Missing you
Without saying a word
Missing you
While no one notices
Missing you
In the pause before I sleep
Missing you
In the silence
And in the space
Where your laughter once used to echo
Missing you
In stillness
Not in words
But in weight
That my heart carries
Of your memories
Missing you
Each day
Every breath
But
Quietly.
Huggies are not only soft and tight
But are the source of comfort and joy
You cry or feel anxious, you fear something or have a rough day
Huggies will mend you heart, heal your soul, and throw all your fears away
My huggies are the unbreakable promise to you
That your mum will always be there for you
Huggies are a small window to my heart
Embraces wrapped in my love that can never have us apart
When you feel down and the days feel long
My huggies will whisper ‘you stay strong’
Every squeeze and every embrace
Will remind you my love and praise
I hold you in my arms through day and night
There’s nothing like my love that shines so bright
No matter you are small or grow tall
My huggies will hold you whenever you fall
The world is a lie but my promise is true
That my huggies will always be a safe space for you
In the moments of reflection, I wish I could turn back the hands of time and live my life all over again. Only if I could relive every moment and rewrite the chapters of my life’s journey with profound wisdom and appreciation. So, whenever I look back at life, I don’t remember the days I spent finding myself rather look at the moments I spent creating something beautiful out of it, like an artist having endless choices to serve every moment as a stroke to create a masterpiece that represents your unique existence.
My heart wishes if I could meet YOU in the hustle bustle of an ordinary summer day not knowing that the universe is setting the stage for a beautiful love story that is yet to unfold. I wish we could cross our paths unexpectedly in a cafe, on the beach, in the subway or at the bus stop waiting for the bus and you could become my friend unexpectedly as a pleasant surprise in the midst of my busy life. And I also wish I could be that fortunate girl who could experience friendship to grow slowly and could allow us to build a connection with each passing day by adding a new layer to our relationship.
But my dear heart, when I sit here and cast a gaze upon my life, I realize that it’s never too late to invite love into your life. I understand that it is not easy to give yourself an opportunity to live life to the fullest enriched by the presence of love but true love necessitates vulnerability; it cannot exist without it. All you need to know is that if the path is beautiful, don’t concern yourself with the destination of the path. The realities of life are always unsettling but love alone has the power to guide you to the place where fear no longer holds sway. A place where you don’t find ‘good reasons’ to be with someone but being with that person just feels right. When his presence in your life looks like a missing piece that completes you.
We often squander our precious moments letting our minds take control because our heart is fearful of emotional pain. We sometimes let the external factors dominate and we continue to make compromises. We often forget the value of time in our hands. The time that perceives no age, no gender, and no situation into consideration to give us the opportunity to experience and make the most of our existence. We are the artists of our own lives. We can paint the canvas at any phase of our age and invite happiness in its full swing. Allah sends the opportunity to find the right person wrapped in unexpected blessings. And it’s on us to identify that blessing in unexpected situations.
The sun is melting into the horizon, taking away all the hopes, leaving me with the hollowness. I stare at the mix of gold, orange and crimson hues while holding myself intact with a void in my heart where the only possession is our memories.
I once wrote, ‘There’s beauty in all pains and strength in all heartbreaks’. Now when I ponder on it, I ask myself why we always have to find strength and have to emerge as a strong person after all the painful encounters? Why can’t we just ‘be’ in any emotion fully and endure it all? If it pains, why can’t we let it pain until we go numb? And if it hurts, why can’t we let it hurt until it stops hurting? I’ve heard that pain, heartache, and grief are bad. But you know what’s the worst part? That we don’t go till the very end and see what it holds for us. We never know that we might see a ray of light or a rainbow at the very end of that dark tunnel. And therefore, now when it’s hurting a lot, I want to embrace it all. Pain in its raw face and heartache in its true potential. I want to see how far that goes. I want to see what’s on the other side of it after enduring it all.
I might ‘heal’ this way.
When my children were little, I was their entire world — the healer of scraped knees, the soother of tears, the one whose kiss could mend any bruise or heartbreak. Every fall, every bump, every tiny “boo-boo”, they would come to me crying. I would kiss them and would tell them that this kiss has the magic to take away the pain. And they believed it — with all their hearts.
What I didn’t realize then was that this magic doesn’t fade with time. Now, at even 18 and 13, taller, bigger, grown ups and they still come to me. I am still the first call, the safe place, the one who listens when the world feels too loud. My hugs are still their shelter, my words still the band aid for their invisible wounds. The magic of mothers hugs and kisses never fades; it only deepens with time. Their “boo-boos” may change with time, but the cure will remain the same; mothers love.
Quiet cooperation, unspoken resilience
Postponed dreams, maturity beyond years
Patience practiced in silence
Added responsibility on the small shoulders
Severe challenges and hardships,
But their response, “Everything’s going to be fine”
“This sacrifice will pay off” and one day,
“Our life is going to shine”
Bravery of growing up faster than their age
Hearts that carried more than their share
Your light never dimmed even in the dark
My little munchkins, you grew up so fast
Did I have a choice? No!
I had to keep going
For your sake
And for mine
They will never understand
The bitter sweet feeling I always had
When I look back and grieve
For their carefree days of childhood that slipped away
Expensive toys
that couldn’t be bought
Few treats
And the innocence was lost
But I also marvel at the grace
Of watching them grow into wiser souls
Missing the simple joys of childhood
And characters like a trophy they hold
Now when they stand tall
Their sacrifices become their wings
It was not for survival only
They turned into pillars of strength and wisdom
The world only highlight
The sacrifice parents make
And often ignore
The compromises those little hearts make
‘Iron Lady’
People called me
You are an inspiration
They told me
I refuse to wear that cape
Knowing how much effort you made
I just chose to be on this journey
But ONLY YOUR sacrifices lit the way
So my darlings!
You are my courage, my light, and my spark.
Let the world see and heavens applaud
You are my forever heroes from God
To the moments of silence, stay witnessed that I swallowed my complaints.
To the empty rooms, stay witnessed I did not run.
To the hollow spaces, stay witnessed that I breathed through the ache.
To the quietness, stay witness that I made you my friend
Let the walls remember that I did not cry loud.
Let the night testify that I did not shatter in its darkness.
Let the sunsets remember how I carried the weight of solitude.
In the absence of voices around, I simply endured.
Empty chairs and unshared meals,
Wilted flowers and forgotten notes,
Drawn curtains and empty corners,
Unspoken prayer and silent dinner,
I have pushed myself to survive.
Loneliness once peaked from the window
I let it stay for some time
It lives with me now
I believe it is all mine
Have you seen sunlight on a cloudy day? It moves in and out through clouds passing by. It drifts and does not stay long. Happiness has always been like that sunlight to me. It never stayed long, became familiar or to be understood; it passed through me. Unlike happiness, sadness stayed faithful. It quietly stayed long enough to not only become familiar but shaped who I became from the inside out.
I wonder; it is the nature of our design that our hearts feel sorrow with more depth and clarity than happiness or it is just a human condition?
Happiness often feels like a dream that you can’t hold on. It is real for a moment, and then it is gone. Sadness comes uninvited and leaves it’s mark. Unlike happiness, pain does not entertain but confronts us. It shakes us to the very core and demands us to meet our deeper self beyond the noises of the world. I found this journey very sacred because The Divine Power knows that our true self is not awaken in the comfort but through the rough trials of life. I have accepted this invitation every time it called; an invitation to rise, to reflect, and to return.
Through all the heartbreaks, solitude, loneliness, and the excruciating pain that stripped me, I discovered myself. And when we discover ourselves, we face the truth in its raw form. The truth of our fragility and dependence. And then sorrows does not seem like an obstacle anymore rather a path that is paved towards The Almighty.
I once built a home that radiated sophistication where every detail was carefully chosen to represent luxury. Plush sofas, handwoven rugs, matte-finished cabinets, silver-plated cutlery with modern feel kitchen, bold yet refined look of dining area with collection of children’s photos decorating the walls, and big windows inviting natural lights. Every detail, from the soft texture to minimalist decor, reflected a taste of elegance and sophistication.
Nearly a decade later, I built a home once again—this time not defined by expensive decor, but by meaning and authenticity with my children by my side. The glow of a lamp while reading book before sleeping, familiar softness of a favorite blanket on a cold evening, the sound of laughter echoing the living room, old favorite book left open on a couch, clink of dishes while taking turns to clean the kitchen after dinner, the aroma of freshly brewed tea in the kitchen and a chit chat over a cup of tea, scent of freshly folded laundry on the side of bed, late night conversation across pillows, the cozy clutter that tells stories of teenage years only you understand, half finished legos on the coffee table, rebellious yet light-hearted ‘YOLO’ disagreements, dramatic threats with classic lectures over a messy room, wake up call from morning light filtering through thin curtains, coffee table that holds years of stories, random sticky notes on the fridge with reminders, quick fix meals on late Saturday nights, comforting rituals of cooking favorite dishes on Sunday afternoon that is not a chore instead a love language. Unwinding on weekends with dim lights, cozy blankets, and late night snacks with back-to-back episodes, when laughter, nail-biting suspense and shared reactions made screen time into making memories. Some long nights that are filled with intellectual conversation-discussing dreams, ideas and purpose of life. The other times, it’s all about silly jokes and fits of laughter over nothing at all. Even the days when there are no plans and no rush, the stillness of quiet comfort of being at home.
A space that allows you to slow down, breathe and celebrate being yourself. Despite being imperfect in so many ways, living in the moments where the heart feels most at home. The peace that does not come with perfection but with presence; the presence of the feeling that with this space and with these people, we are exactly where we are meant to be.
It seems like a perfect Sunday morning on a winter day; warm, lazy, and sunny. I have always loved winter mornings. Autumn leaves on the pavement and faded sun rays failing to keep anything warm adds more to the scene I am currently enjoying while sipping freshly brewed chai on a breakfast table.
When I gaze the passersby from my kitchen window, I am also thinking about the realization I have had in the past few days. Although this country has to offer everything in the name of a decent lifestyle, I am enjoying none of it. Without my children, I feel lonely and a lonely person is an empty person.
In the past few years, I have lived in so many countries with my children for the purpose of finding a new life to settle and to call a new country ‘our home’. We have seen the good days and the bad days together. Some days were fun too. From finding a new apartment in a perfect neighborhood to buying everything for our home from scratch, it was a new day every day. Cafe hopping, traveling 3 hours to watch a movie at the best theatre (Mission Impossible by the way), trying doner (Turkish Shawarma) of all the famous restaurants, hitting the freeway when bored, or just being in the pajamas on a cold Sunday evening enjoying our favorite home cooked food, we have knitted all those memories being together. These memories have kept us all warm on the cold challenging days of life.
When I look back, I also have realized that I did not make any friends. I had no social life either because I never needed any. I never felt lonely around my children. I never wanted anything else except for having them around. We have a perfect family, a trio that is sufficient to keep us happy. A relationship that is beyond a parent children relationship. We have shared our secrets, build each other up, solaced in the rough times, planned everything together, asked for each other advices, and even gossiped at a dinner table. I have realized we have had everything we always wanted. We have not only enjoyed each other’s company so far but we have celebrated ‘us’; ‘our bond’ and ‘our love’ for each other.
When I pen down my void being lonely, I know deep inside that no blessing in this world can replace my shining stars without whom my life would be an endless dark tunnel. So, this is for my mature and strong headed teenage lady and a restless philosopher’s soul, I am just a dry autumn leaf without you guys who will wander place to place at the mercy of wind and will have no destination. I love you guys with all my heart and soul. I wish we reunite soon. Ameen Ya Rab
