Why is the house so dark?

One hobby that kept Maryam, my daughter, stay distracted throughout her illness was drawing and painting. It was obvious for people to call her a born artist after witnessing her artwork. Beaming with passion to create every artwork unique, she would work intensely in isolation, even in the hospital during the treatment. Lethargic with the strong doses of chemotherapy to fight brain tumour, she would make sketches to express her pain and sometimes paint a hope to be healthy someday. Her natural talent became the only tool that could make her travel in the world of imagination where she found happiness while playing with the colours and express herself. I found peace to see her oblivious to her surroundings while enjoying her passion in the toughest time but she was incognizant of Allah’s will.

Maryam continued to paint and draw despite the recurrence of tumour which was gradually affecting her vision. She complained several times about her weak vision which was hindering her activities. While consulting the doctors, we were informed that tumour was spreading and degenerating the veins responsible for sharp vision, causing blurred vision. With that said, the doctors declared that it was incurable. The news added to the suffering.

Maryam’s struggle to focus while drawing was real. It sometimes ended up in frustration and sometimes in giving up but she somehow managed to continue since the passion to express herself through art was beyond any logical explanation. However, one day, life was so cruel when she woke up and asked, “Mamma, why is the house so dark?” I felt a wreck. It was destined to happen but this early? She lost her vision. I was frozen, paralysed and worried about how to explain this grim reality to her. I shut the door behind her and cried my heart out. Life couldn't be more merciless. It was not justified that life was lessening the alternative choices she could have to distract the continuous pain.

I empowered myself at the weakest point of my life when I realized that knowing is never equal to accepting. Fundamentally, very few of us experience this journey. The journey that starts from knowing our worst situation and its limitations and then accepting it. Acceptance comes with the courage to know that we are unable to change our situation and be content with Allah’s will. I witnessed the inner hollowness of my child. She accepted the fact but to see her bound to bed and couch every day and staring at everything with empty eyes was killing. I asked mercy of Him and He replied, إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا - Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease (94:6). I made this comprehensible to Maryam. Though difficult for a child to comprehend its meaning completely, she made an effort to understand it. She often asked questions and I answered patiently. While struggling between the state of knowing and accepting, she would affirm, mamma, it will be over soon, right? And I would embrace her and say surely it will, my love. And one day, it was over and she found peace when her soul departed from this world and I was sure that she will be happily painting in the heaven above.

When Allah communicated with me…..

The bright transparent morning revived the glorious memories I have with my children. Waking up next to their tiny beings with half-awake senses is the most unfading memory of their childhood, but radiant mornings are a distant memory now. Life at present represents a constant struggle to live through a war between the heart and mind. Although mind has all the rational reasoning, it never wins through the heart believing in miracles.

The day started with hustle to reach the hospital on time since the doctors had to communicate the results of the latest MRI scans. On our arrival, we learned that the Oncology department had referred Maryams’ case to the neurosurgeons. With a little hope of hearing better recommendations from neurosurgery that could bring my child back to normal life, the wait was fearsome. At last, we heard the unanimous decision from the neurosurgery team that agreed to no alternative treatment since the tumor has voluminously increased. A ray of light at a distant road started to fade out where all I could see was a vague future of my little princess. No words have the power to write and no feelings have the potential to express the emotional agony that a mother goes through in such circumstances.

I was aggravated by the situation as the doctors showed no hope. It led to developing a feeling akin to discontentment. Deep inside, I confronted with Allah about my child’s fate. Doubts took hold of the firm faith. In a state of ambivalence, I grabbed the Holy Quran placed next to the sitting area where Maryam was admitted. I held the Quran and millions of thoughts rushed through my mind. At that instant, my inner voice suggested seeking serenity from The Holy Book since Allah claims that the divine book has the answer to all our questions. I opened the Quran apprehensively, unknowing of how it will address the uncertainty in my heart, the first ayah that I read was, “She said, "My Lord, how will I have a child when no man has touched me?" [The angel] said, "Such is Allah; He creates what He wills. When He decrees a matter, He only says to it, 'Be,' and it is. (Surah Ali 'Imran [3:47] - Al-Qur'an). Subhan Allah! Allah undoubtedly responded to my dwindling Iman. 

The birth of Hazrat Isa a.s was beyond the possibilities that medical science can ever explain. Hazrat Maryam a.s was unsure of having a child without a man, but when Allah decrees, even the unthinkable happens. Similarly, Allah communicated the message to address the doubts occurring in my heart. Medical science might have limited knowledge to declare my child incurable, but Allah has the capacity to turn everything in my favour. I cried hysterically while holding The Quran and I read that verse many times, believing that Allah is talking to me and reminding me to have faith since He is capable of everything. I learned that Allah never underestimates the power of a sincere call upon Him. When one holds the Holy Book in good faith; He surely replaces doubts with Iman. 

The suffering

“Your child is suffering from a brain tumour”, these words have sufficient potential to shatter any mother’s life. The moment those words were heard, time froze and everything else in my life seemed blurred. Somehow I gathered the strength when the doctors showed hope in term of treatment. She was treated and was cancer free but Allah had different plans in store for us. The results of the second scan showed the recurrence of tumour. Doctors informed, “You should accept the fact that no doctor in the world can offer any treatment for your child’s illness.” The news was devastating and unanticipated. In a glimpse of an eye, my life changed drastically.

Initially, the pain was unbearable. Every morning, I prayed Allah to make it a dream that will be over with the moment I open my eyes. I had no strength to cope with the fact that the terminal disease is drawing my child closer to death every day. I died every moment.

Human beings are practically conditioned to plan about the future and when the plans do not turn out as expected, dissatisfaction takes hold of the life at present. Difficult phases and hardship is a part of natural law. Human nature perceives hardship as evil. However, Allah’s wisdom behind difficulty is sometimes bringing us closer to Him, purification of our soul or the test of our patience.

Discovery of a new faith

The journey of my religious inclination started a couple of years back which was more confined to comprehending the reason of our beings in this world. But I discovered a new horizon of faith in Allah when I stood by my daughters’ side to fight with the evil disease.

It is natural to get carried away with the affliction of the moment. In the initial months, I had to strive really hard to maintain the balance of life between hospital and home. I was torn apart when the other two children were neglected. I couldn’t cope with the emotional turmoil and one fine night I sobbed on a prayer mat, complaining about my situation. Somehow I felt relieved. From that day, the practice of kneeling down before Allah became a routine. I started to find peace. Although this routine comforted me, my heart yearned for more. I began to pray in the last part of the night asking mercy, patience, and perseverance on a newly discovered faith. The magic of tahajjud illuminated my heart with tranquillity and peace. The faith grew stronger with the understanding of the fact that He is The Rahman and The Rahim and loves seventy times more than a mother. Meditation convinced me that I am the chosen one for the test, therefore instead of complaining, I sought guidance to succeed.

Surrendering to Allah

Neuroscience found out that what you focus on is what becomes more powerful. Along the same lines, the reflection on the divine law that ‘He is the only authority’ led me to surrender my child’s fate to Him only. Difficulties have the potential to crush the strongest faith. On the other hand, they are also capable of making us stronger. Allah has left the choice to its people. Whoever establishes a firm faith, Allah The Almighty never disappoints them. However, to have faith in Allah in the adversity is the toughest challenge. Knowing that the disease is growing in her head and seeing her fighting with the intense pain every passing day, believing in Him was the real battle of Iman.

My Iman, which is gradually growing stronger has changed the entire perspective of life. The core principle is to surrender in any situation, which in return, fills the heart with profound love and gratitude. The key factor to strengthen faith is surrendering ourselves in front of Allah, acknowledging that we can only try our best to change our condition and we have no control beyond. The more we invest in this belief, the more it increases. Strong faith liberates the believer, refraining them from complaining about the problems. Instead, their heart is filled with the contentment that Allah is closer to them than their jugular vein.